Witness

This is tough. The emotional journey one takes into love is a jumbled mess, especially when it comes to kids. One day while preparing for an hour to get Dana and Daire out the door, it came over me. I've just experienced every emotion in less than an hour. From the emotional high of love, happiness, laughter and adoration to the low of exasperation, frustration, anxiety and anger, in parenting there is a new emotion every minute.

It is another reminder that parenting is where the true work is. My job is the vacation. Unlike work, I have little control over the content of day-to-day parenting moments. I can't take a lunch break, turn to a new task or take an hour to respond to the latest communication. I can set a framework for Dana and Daire but their reactions and interactions are entirely in their control and my role is to react for good or bad.

Dana doesn't want to wear her pink shoes. The small crisis must be resolved or we will not make it to point B and Dana will surely end up in tears. If Dana ends up in tears, I will simultaneously feel guilty, a failure, frustrated, bewildered and angry. I will have to deal with our emotions and hopefully feel competent in the process because I will get no feedback from the authoritarian expert on the subject. No one will tell me whether that was the "right" way to deal with it. I can only hope in 18 years my kids are the adults to prove that I did, but what if their outcome has little to do with shoes (as I suspect)?

It is easy to over-analyze every moment. Here is a small example. If I get the blue shoes for Dana, she will be happy but I've reinforced my role as her runner and our dependence. If she gets her shoes, it will take longer and support her independence but maybe she feels rejected? If we both get her shoes then we have made no progress and nothing has been taught. I can make her wear her pink shoes because shoes really aren't that important anyway – are they? But Dana may not feel like her feelings are being nurtured and maybe the pink shoes are uncomfortable in some way that is hard for her to communicate. There is no right answer and yet I'm constantly searching for one. It is exhausting and by the time I've decided, Dana has already put on one flowered rain boot and one blue croc on the wrong feet. Another dilemma. I settle with telling her that they are on the wrong feet and she tells me that is the way she wants them. Ok. We are out the door.

Parenting is my endless education. My role may be to love, teach and civilize my kids, but I'm sure I'm learning more. Every little lesson comes whether I have asked for it or not. The toughest lesson is to appreciate and live the moment. All the emotions come and go but the time with my kids are the unifying factor and the absolute foundation. For me, those moments are the truest meaning of life. In fact, in the end, my kids will be who they will be and I will have been their witness and wiser for it.