Daire’s Birth – May 11th 2009

Around 2 am contractions start. I doze in and out of them until about 5 am when they start to organize and become a pattern and I start to feel like I’m opening up. I wake Blugh and let him know. We call the midwife at 6 am. She arrives at 7 am to check me and I’m 4 cm. Still a long way to go.

The contractions come about every 4 minutes. Sometimes the rest between them feels like forever, as if I have more time than I can imagine. It is hard not to worry that they will stop and I’ll be back where I started. At the same time, I feel enormously relaxed between them. I’m in another world. The waves of a contraction start and pull me into one very focused state in which the breath and voice are my tools and rhythm for coping. Then, incredible relaxation of another world in my body and mind. This kind of meditation is beyond anything I can easily achieve outside of labor. Every nerve lets go and I sink into my body completely. I slip between the two states easily.

All I want to do is lie on the bed. My midwife takes my blood pressure and it is 68/110. The lowest it has been my whole pregnancy. The intensity of each contraction picks up quickly and I can tell that even though the rest between each contraction is long, I’m progressing quickly. I decide to go in the bathtub.

It is heaven in the bathtub. I float weightlessly. I move quickly into more intense contractions. I envision my body opening up like a skeletal flower with each one. My hands stretch wide and my voice is now my weapon against pain. The louder I moan, the more focused I become and the pain subsides as if intimidated by the sound. My moans are rhythmic, three in a row to last the contraction and then deep relaxation. I begin to get tired and I want it to end soon. It is getting hard to stay focused and not let the pain overcome my ritual. Labor is a battle and dance with ones own body.

Then it changes. Pain starts to shoot up my back like electricity with each contraction. Instead of relaxed between contractions, I become bewildered. This is different than Dana. The pain is overcoming me and I’m losing my hold on the dance, I’m losing this battle. It is hard to keep it my hold on the rhythm I had before. I can’t collect myself and find the peace I had before. The contractions are coming closer together. (It turned out that Daire turned and was born face up, leading to back labor.)

I’m squatting in the tub, then on my knees trying to cope with the pain. Ice is on my back and a homeopathic tablet under my tongue for back labor. I want it over yet it seems like the quick progress I experienced is slowing. Closer contractions, less progress and so close to the end. So frustrating.

The urge to push comes. This is also different than my first time. With each contraction, I push in irregular spurts. Some pushes are powerful and long, others short and weak. My midwife checks me and I’m nine centimeters. I have a cervical lip, I’m not fully dilated. She tries to pull it back but it is taunt. She says some women are able to push through it and I’m determined to be one of those women. With each push I will Daire’s head to stay and not let the lip slip him back.

I change position and I move to my back with my knees up. I want only to survive while my body engages in completing the birth. Gone is the peace from the beginning of the labor and it is replaced with confusion and determination. I don’t understand why this is feeling harder than Dana’s birth. What am I doing differently? I just need to get through it to find out. Suddenly with a slow starting push that builds like a tidal wave, I’ve got Daire’s head and then body out. The incredible relief of knowing it was over washes over me, the labor and pregnancy all done.

My midwife’s voice pulls me out of my daze “Marika come meet your baby.” The cord is around his neck. Daire is still under water and Cindy fumbles with the cord trying to pull it over him and finally he is in my arms. Blue, a deformed cone shaped head from the intense pushing, a purple bruise across his forehead and a rash covering his body, Daire is born. He is beautiful. Cindy says his vitals are fine. He takes a silent minute and then cries a little and I feel relief. He starts a slow recovery and begins to wiggle.

I’m in love, again.