An Authentic Revelation

I am a Landmark Forum drop out and I’m proud. 

 At first, I wasn’t proud.  I was confused and sick to my stomach.  I don’t like to quit but I’m not a follower either.  When I balanced the two, it turns out I dislike being treated like cattle more than feeling like a quitter.  So I quit. 

 But my out, my trapdoor, the easy excuse, was that I didn’t exactly know why I was there; maybe to motivate me at work, maybe to help me with my goals and to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, maybe to find balance in a mid-life crisis.  I definitely didn’t want to bring my personal relationships into the Forum.  From the beginning, I didn’t trust Landmark.  I had heard stories about cults, Jedi mind tricks and high pressure sales.  I was skeptical and self-protective. 

 I went because I indefinably knew that I needed a push.  I didn’t really know in what direction or where, but something had to give.  I was not satisfied and I was pulling Blugh down with me.  

 And I got a push.  A push so hard that I had to jump before I went flying off a cliff.  But I did get the push I needed. 

The Landmark Forum set me in a new direction in my relationships with Blugh and my friends.  It lifted a veil, a thin film, that had blurred the people around me and suddenly I saw them in high definition, real, near, sharp, and focused.  I could almost physically grasp and suddenly hear the inner-dialogue the people were having with themselves, about themselves and in relation to me.    

What did this was a simple realization at the Forum.   

 Since even before my father’s death, I have created an elaborate story about impermanence, change and death. Everything changes, people are unreliable, come and go and will eventually disappear.  

 As a result, I've put barriers up to prevent me from truly connecting with people or being authentic.  I’ve done this in a way that is subtle, manipulative and settles the fault squarely on the shoulders of the people around me.

 I am a manipulator. I am addicted it. It makes me feel safe, independent and free.  It has also isolated me. 

 I have abused and manipulated my husband.  I created a fairy tale about us.  In this story I have set up excuse time bombs so that I would have a list of abuses (all his fault) when we ended. 

 I'm a shithead.  I'm a manipulator.  I'm addicted to this behavior. And when I told him this, he kind-of already knew it.

I love him.  I clearly see that he is the love of my life.  I’m completely committed to him.  We are strong partners and have a brilliant life together.  But this is a terrifying realization in an impermanent world. When will it end?  How can I protect myself from that pain?  In the past, I have tried not to feel it, denied it, and even strategized an end to it. 

 I directed our story to ensure my control, unhappiness and my righteousness.  And justified it because it will all end anyway. 

These thoughts and actions are inauthentic.  And I don’t want to be. It will not lead me to happiness.   
 The Landmark reminded me that I want love without preconditions and self-righteous stories.  I want to live with loved ones free of my fear.  I want liberty from the isolation fear has created.  And I’m committed to intentionally creating connection and authentic relationships.

Finally, the Landmark Form reminded me to take full responsibility for the state of my life and relationships.  I have created them and am responsible for them.  As such, I am capable and will create my way into fuller, more meaningful and strengthened relationships. 

 These were the lessons I took away from the Landmark Forum: 

·         Many of my stories about my relationships are false.

·         If I believe and act on them I am inauthentic and isolating myself

·         I am responsible for the state of my life and relationships. 

 They are important lessons that unlock destiny and promise a more fulfilling life.   Thank you Landmark Forum. 

 But I’m begrudgingly grateful. 

 I left the Landmark Forum for two reasons.  First, so I could keep my learnings unspoiled from the cult, the mind tricks, manipulation and the psychological marketing that could so easily dirty them.  And yes, the rumors of these features were true.  Second, I accept the Landmark dare.  Repeatedly, in the Forum we were told that we could not achieve our own empowerment and transformation without the Landmark Forum.  That is nonsense.  Full responsibility means full empowerment.  I’m the only one that can provide that gift, not the Landmark Forum, not my husband, my kids or any other loved one.  Full access to my empowerment is in my own hands.   I accept the responsibility.   

 

Where the dead live

Why do we bury our dead? We insist on placing them in space. We fix them permanently when they are so obviously transient. 
 
I wondered this as I peered at rows and rows of perfectly straight bleached headstones; bone clean, pristine bystanders overlooking the San Diego cliffs.  The sun rinsed them as the sea spray sanded them clean. Perpetually baptized this way, these mini-lithic effigies peer down at the harbor and downtown's metallic spray of skyscrapers. From Point Loma, the gravestones frame downtown San Diego like patient mystics bobbing their knowing heads. This too shall pass. Dust to dust.  A reminder that everything ends.   
 
As we drove up the Point towards my father's grave my three-year-old told stories. There are monsters here. The skeletons will get us. The only protection from his imagination was the blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the vibrant green crab grass, and the friendly rolling hills.
 
I told my kids we were going to see my father and their grandfather. Someone who loved them both very much. But he insists this is a scary place.
 
A cemetery is a time machine.  A place where we can walk across death and reach out to the ones we loved and still love. They are places of love. They cradle our faith in life. Hug our memories tightly. They make lost time real and emotion tangible. We honor ourselves, our ancestors, our mortality when we visit them. They ground us.
 
I tell my children that their grandfather is everywhere, in our hearts, in our blood, in our trees and in the air. He is everywhere like all of us will be when we die.  We are all connected. 
 
Yet as we drove to his grave, I knew I was going to him. It is his place. This cemetery is my father's home. It is where he is.
 
I was taut as we drove through his lot’s gates.  I did not know where he was exactly.  I knew we were close.  I was feeling my way back to him, remembering coordinates from a pilgrimage made thirteen year ago.
 
When we parked, I pulled Dana along with me to the end of the last row of headstones. My father's ashes are in a wall, a plaque with his name, birth and death year. The wall reaches from one end of the cemetery to the other. The plaques extend up ten high and deeper than I can remember.  I wondered how I could remember where he was in the undeviating grid. But the instant I had the thought, I spotted him.  In complete focus. All other plaques blurred and dispersed.
 
He is squatting height on the wall and in an indiscernible spot.  His location is my beacon.  His plaque’s power is unique to me.
 
I placed my hand on him and pull my daughter closer to me. Years of tears were jerked from me. This was the first time they met.  Dana my father meets Dana my daughter. 
 
When Daire arrives, I pull both kids tight to me and present my family.  I want him to be proud. 
 
After my family retreats to the car, a disarray of light, color, images, sound, animation, smells cascade around me.  My father's face, his words, his support, images of dying, my childhood, his hug, his smell, his laughter .  Emotions that only rise in my father’s presence, feeling that are only feelings for my father. They bath me. I’m cleansed. I remember him and in doing so remember who I am.
 
The plaque was stone and cold under my hands. I kiss his name and feel his closeness. I inventory 15 years. "Am I doing the right thing?”  I ask him. “Am I doing ok?"  I think so but I don't really know.
 
But I have peace. I have peace with death. As I live my life fully, I have peace as I follow his footsteps.
 
And I’m grateful for the power of his place.

 

Fruit Skewers

I've got to play with this recipe as it was a big hit that I think could even be better.  The fruit is amazing off the grill and the coconut adds crunch and sweetness.  Lovely. 

What you need.
Fruit for skewers sliced into chunks and in a bowl ready to marinade. 

These two were amazing:

• pineapples
• nectarines

I think these would be good to:

• mango
• banana
• apricots
• plums
• peaches

marinade:
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/4 cup mix of fresh coconut, macadamia nuts and raw cashews chopped coarsely.
Sea salt

To do:

1. Heat up the coconut oil and melt over medium flame.
2. Add the nuts and gently brown them for flavor.
3. Marinade the fruit in the oil for at least 30 minutes
4. Create colorful skewers with the fruit
5. Sprinkle with sea salt
6. Grill to a sear but don't overcook.

Watch out, they explode in your mouth.  Wow.

Mouth Watering Shrimp & Chicken Skewers

I just returned from a weekend at a friend's cabin.  We had a lovely dinner on the lake by the fire pit and savored some skewers grilled on the open fire.  The marinade was an experiment that turned divine.  It really made the chicken and shrimp sparkle. The nectarines and pineapple are like fireworks from the grill. 

What you need:
1/2 pound of chicken cut into large cubes
1/2 pound shrimp (uncooked)
1/2 cup white balsamic vinegar
2/3 cup avocado oil
2 tablespoons herbs de Provence
a pineapple - sliced into chunks
a couple bell peppers - sliced into chunks
3-4 nectarines - sliced into chunks
1/2 onion - sliced into chunks.
1/2 pint of Cherry tomatoes
Other spearable fruits and vegetables. 

To do..
1.  Marinate the chicken and shrimp in the vinegar, oil and herbs for at least a half hour.
2.  Create skewers with colorful stacks of fruits, vegetables, shirmp and chicken.
3. Grill over the flames until shrimp are pink and chicken is cooked through. 

Best to be eaten in the outdoors, preferably with a view of the lake or beach.  :)

Eggplant & Pesto Inspired Pan Seared Sole

I think we were getting a little bored with the avocado and egg salad thing.  And I got a little lazy this week when things got rough at work.  I've still been recovering and catching up on sleep.  But tonight I made an Italian Eggplant Parmesan inspired sole.  It was meaty, rich and delicious.  A nice change from the fruity and sweet lately. 

What you need...
1 Eggplant sliced, salted, pressed for at least thirty minutes
4 tablespoon olive oil
1 onion diced
1 head of garlic smashed and chopped
2 cups sun dried tomatoes soaked in water for thirty minutes then chopped coarsely
2 cups shitake mushrooms stems removed and chopped in strips
1 tablespoon dried oregano (herbs de Provence would be really good but I didn't have them)

Fresh Caught Sole
1 tablespoon ghee

2 cups basil leaves
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup pistachios

a handful of olives for garnish

How to...
1.  While eggplant is being pressed, saute onions and garlic for a couple of minutes in a tablespoon of olive oil
2.  Add the mushrooms and saute for four minutes
3.  Add the sun dried tomatoes and saute until the mushrooms turn golden then add the herbs and salt and pepper to taste
4.  Add a couple of tablespoons to a pan and fry the eggplant until golden on both sides, add more olive oil if needed. 
5. Pan sear the sole in ghee on both sides over medium heat.  It will cook fast in 5-10 minutes.
6. In a food processor add the basil leaves, 1/4 cup olive oil and pistachios and process until a pesto. 
7.  To assemble line the plate with eggplant, top with sun dried tomatoes, place sole on top and garnish with pesto and olives. 

Yummy!

Ambiguity

More kernels of wisdom from Reframing Organizations.  This one is a short list of  the sources of ambiguity on page 25.

• We are not sure what the problem is.
• We are not sure what is really happening.
• We are not sure what we want.
• We do not have the resources we need.
• We are not sure who is supposed to do what.
• We are not sure how to get what we want.
• We are not sure how to determine if we have succeeded.

Could change be as simple as identifying a source of ambiguity and making it clear, safe and understandable?  Creating a a safe environment is a constant theme in my work.  My colleagues ask for a safe space all the time.  We live in a culture of fear and ambiguity.  Fear can stunt progress and stifle relationships. 

A certain amount of safety creates a space where people can innovate and grow.  It seeds relationships and opens up communication.  It allows information to flow smoothly and for ideas to cross pollinate.  Simultaneously, being too safe can make people lazy and compliant.  My hypothesis is that a ripe tension between safety and healthy fear can create productive innovation and a lively, vibrant community. 

From an organizational standpoint, I see all of the above sources of ambiguity flowing around and stunting growth.  Would defining just one of these pave the way for change? 

Using Frames to Understand Conflict

Have you ever felt crazy at work?  Like your perception of reality is not at all like those around you?  And when you ask for feedback or clarification, you get an unreasonable response which furthers the feeling of being crazy? 

I have recently experienced this.  Honestly, my saving grace is email and documentation of events.  No one disagrees with the documentation, but no one involved validates the conflict or even confronts the ethical questions that arise from them.  The documentation grounds me.  The responses shake me up. 

The events at work have caused me to reflect deeply.  During the course of a few weeks in my new position, I had a flash of insight when I realized that my view of leadership is incongruous with others in higher or equal positions.  I began to see a philosophical divide but couldn't pinpoint it exactly. This triggered a memory of a book that I read during my Masters program at Seattle University.  Reframing Organizations, Artistry, Choice and Leadership by Lee G Bolman and Terrence E Deal.

 I'm rereading this book again and it has helped me better understand the events. This book divides the view of an organization into four frames or lenses in which to view its functions.  Each frame has a much different language and understanding of dynamics and events. 

	Structural	Human Resources	Political	Symbolic
Metaphor for Organization	Factory or Machine	Family	Jungle	Carnival, temple, theater
Central Concepts	Rules, roles, goals, policies, technology, environment	Needs, skills, relationships	Power, conflict, competition, organizational politics	Culture, meaning, metaphor, ritual, ceremony, stories, heroes
Image of Leadership	Social architecture	Empowerment	Advocacy	Inspiration
Basic leadership challenge	Attune structure to task, technology, environment	Align organizational and human needs	Develop agenda and power base	Create faith, beauty, meaning

The upper leadership at my organization is very structurally and politically oriented.

I have a human resources and symbolic preference.  I have framed my new job within this context and it has been received with a welcome and relief.  I realize now the reason my peers need this view so desperately is because it does not exist at the upper level.   This has caused a deep organizational thirst for something more.   

During the course of the events since starting this position, I unknowingly entered the political frame when I requested money for a powerfully symbolic project.  This caused deep chaos and ambiguity for a few reasons:

1. I was speaking a symbolic language upper leadership didn't understand.  But I was confident and sure of the power of this symbol.  This was confusing to them. 
2. I was asking for resources in a political framework in which money is always held tightly and fought over by tribes.  Money is the currency of power in the political framework.  You do not ask for money without expecting a conflict. 

As a result, communication broke down. I was asked to follow up in an unreasonable and time-consuming way.  Instead of complying, I responded that I could not effectively do my job under those circumstances and I walked away.  They could keep the money if they wanted to. 

The choice to walk away was personal, not political.  Their request was unreasonable and I wanted to focus on my core duties.  But the choice cracked open the framework.  Suddenly, upper leadership's framework shifted to a Human Resources frame.  They need me to be successful for their own political currency.  Keeping money is only useful in politics to a degree.   

We reached an tentative agreement.

Without understanding the frameworks, the events would still confuse me.  Now I see that the conflict arose essentially from a leadership guided by different frameworks than mine.  I also see that my role in trying to seed change is in communicating and helping people discover the power of the Human Resources and Symbolic frames in an organization that misunderstands them.