Art. Adventure. Athletics

" I love how artistic, adventurous and athletic you are mom." My eight year old daughter proclaimed this summer shortly after I had stand up paddle boarded (on my knees) down a class II rapid on the Salmon River. To clarify, my legs were burning on that paddle board and I didn't feel so athletic when I fell butt first on my first attempt or barely survived the ugly yet successful second attempt. Secondly, my daughter is a wonderful mirror and can see with surprising clarity. Her statement summed up everything fun and meaningful in my life and suddenly I saw myself with as much clarity as an 8 year old.

And at forty, having just quit a tenured faculty position that defined me for ten years, I'm dead set on stripping the bullshit away and focusing on fun and meaningful. My goal is to build a different kind of life. One that allows me to put art, adventure and athletics at center and the politics and pain far behind me. That was blissfully obvious to my daughter, but to me there is forty years of other peoples blinding expectations to peel away. My daughter must has x-ray vision.

So I'm dedicating this year, which always starts and ends September, to my daughters insight and my insistence that I can have everything.

I will be an Artist.

I will adventure

I will be an Athlete.

 

"That's funny each one of those words starts with A" she followed up as she kissed me and ran away.

Sometimes the answer is as obvious as the first letter in the alphabet.

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What I'm Going to Do

Since announcing my intention to leave my ten year tenured position at Bellevue College many people have asked me what I'm going to do. I'm serious about taking a break with my kids this summer and dead serious about having more fun. And more importantly, I'm dedicated to creating an environment for myself where I can test out some theories and ideas I have about work, life, creativity, change and leadership. For now, I'm keeping those ideas close; they need to incubate while I focus on finishing strong.

BUT, I can't help thinking about the question "What are you going to DO?" The well-intentioned question, sometimes framed as an accusation (What are you going to do?), sometimes disguised as coercion (What are you going to do?) and other times just from sheer curiosity resonates with me. Of course, I have asked myself the same thing, many, many, many times.  I’m eternally committed to the whast, the ams and the dos for myself.  The answer is that I’m certain of a few things that will carry me forward. 

So right now, in this moment of time, here is how I can answer the question:  WHAT ARE you going to DO?

Play
Of course, as some friends have already guessed, I’m going to travel, write, climb and crossfit.  And I’m going to meet my kids, husband and friends where they are in play, in the pool, the playground or in a handstand. 

And I’m deadly serious about this: Work should be playful.  Without play, creativity and possibility die.  Without play, there is no discovery.  How can ideas emerge and thrive without the opportunity that play gives us? How can work be love if it isn’t playful?

Grow Younger
I will not be creaky, dusty, and/or stale in mind or body. I'm turning 40 this year and as far as I’ve been able to determine after much reflections, there are vast more benefits in reaching this number than deficits despite what our culture tells us. It is age bias that makes us “feel old” not age itself.

Here is a short list of benefits of becoming 40 over becoming 30: 

·         I care a whole lot less what people think of me, and stand comfortably in my own skin.

·         I say what is on my mind and believe solidly in the validity of my opinions.

·         I easily laugh at myself and my own jokes.

·         I’m a lot better at forgiving myself.

·         I’m empowered to believe that I can do anything that I envision, if I dedicate myself to it.

·         And damn what society says, I’m healthy, fast, strong and good looking.    

And doesn’t a healthy child feel about the same way about themselves?


Boss Myself
I’ll collaborate. Nothing is more satisfying than working towards a common goal. I’ll seek counsel and take advice from those I respect.  Multiple perspectives help guide my decision making.

But please don’t tell me what to do.  It just won’t go well.   This is in everyone's best interest. It would be a completely unsatisfying endeavor and leave us exhausted, nuts and miserable.

Connect                                                               

My best moments are when I have connected with the people.  We plunge into synchronicity and become greater than each individual.  Belonging to a group of strong, like-minded humans working, strategizing and planning towards a common goal is energizing and life-giving.

I intend to continue to seek connection and synchronicity. This includes stalking the moments both small and grand; a conversation, a fleeting moment or a passing exchange more meaningful than an unwise witness may consciously comprehend. 

Ideas are no different.  Connecting ideas means bringing them to life.  Concretely, so they are greater than their original parts and empowering them to have their own life. Guiding and witnessing worthy ideas birth is fulfilling life work.     

Laugh
Laughter and humor are survival skills. Truth: Laugh every day for mental health.  I adore finding the hidden humor in events.  I hunt giggles, guffaws, belly laughs and joyful tears.  You may think I’m crazy and irreverent, but I’m content.    

Limit Butt Time
No long hours in a chair at a computer please.  I need to move to feel alive.  Whatever is next, I will not be sitting on my ass all day doing it. 

Promote Love, Beauty and Magic
Whatever I do, it will be connected not just to the appreciation of the life-affirming but promotion of it.  The wild spreading of what brings us purpose and joy will be central to my day to day profession. 

Ban Bad Assholes
Truth: Everyone is an asshole sometime or other. 

But I like the good assholes. A good asshole pushes the status quo, cries for change, sees that the world is simply not good enough, calls it out and in doing so makes people uncomfortable. I respect them and the world needs them though some would call them assholes for it. Good assholes are courageous, dedicated, thoughtful, insightful, moral, equitable and even visionary. They are dedicated to their goals, they don't care if you think they are an asshole for it. They need that energy and courage to carry them. I am energized by them and their mission.

Bad assholes are incompetent, rude, condescending, time-wasting and/or dysfunctional and even worse. They suck the energy from you and go out of their way to ensure everything stays the same, stale, tasteless and uninspiring. They like the status quo and see no use in any improvements and often times will go to lengths to make sure everything stays the same.  They are soul-damaging if they are put in leadership positions.

With so many other, inspiring, authentic, challenging humans on the planet it makes no sense to empower bad assholes with my time. 

Push Failure
Fear and failure mark the learning edge.  And the learning edge reaps the most personal and global benefits in all we do.  If I’m not feeling the razor sharpness of my actions, then I’m not pushing myself enough.  And I’m not marking the path to my true potential. I’m going to push failure and feel the fear as a marker that I’m on the right trail.    

Explore
Explore because there is more than I can possibly know. Discover the new in travel,  life, ideas, profession, and relationships.  In the process of letting the known go, doors upon doors of possibilities open.  Like a traveler, hitching their backpack and boarding a train to a new destination, the excitement of a new voyage awaits and I’ll embrace the change and journey with the spirit of an adventurer.       

Personal Mission

Personal Mission
The person I seek to be is and always will be the sum of my intentions as they are aligned with my actions. My mission is to reflect upon my intentions, identify them explicitly then dutifully be guided by their light.

I intend:

• To walk away from every situation or challenge knowing that I put my best self, at that moment and circumstance, into it.
• To face and know fear in the moment, understand it and use it to make myself better - as a human, in performance, in relationships.
• To push my comfort zone and be reflective enough to know when I need another push (or less).
• To be self-aware and coach myself through my mental challenges and failures.
• To be my authentic self and always challenge the continual discovery of who that really is
• To be strong and offer my strength to others
• To offer encouragement and respect and the tools of my success and failures generously to others.
• To be honest and direct, while kind.
• To laugh, to give laughter to others, and always maintain my sense of humor
• To seek compassionate and empathetic understanding.
• To seek wisdom in my marriage and friendships
• To embrace and thoroughly savor everyday magic and beauty.
• To be curious.

And I intend to update this mission statement as life and time guide me. Because a mission evolves with age and environment and without flexibility missions become irrelevant.

Last updated 3/11/2014

Seasons Part 1: Avocados

I have a creative, thoughtful friend who has her own personal seasons.  She has three seasons: nectarine, dreams and crane.  In the summer nectarines are delicious.  Dreams are for winter.  Cranes emerge in spring, and she means the kinds of cranes that construct buildings, not birds.  She owns her own seasons, and because they are hers, she is not governed by them.  She shares herself with them.  When she told me this, I thought of course why do all seasons have to be Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer?  Why can't there be another point of reference?  Why can't seasons revolve around me?  It is so obviously possible.    

This begs the question; what will mine be?  Maybe this is obvious to some, but I haven't thought this way before and I must consider it.  After all, they will become a tradition and as permanent as a tattoo.  Careful consideration is necessary.   Maybe it will take a year or so to commit to a set season, maybe I will have more than three, or less, or more than 12?  

After awakening to the idea, it is surprising how to realize that I do tend to think in seasons unconsciously. 

For example,  I work in higher education and work on an academic year so I'm naturally tuned to the cycles of the quarter and the rise and fall of workload that comes with being a teacher, especially on a quarter system.  It makes sense to me and I think it likely does in most professions.  My energy falls and rises with the presence of students and other teachers.  I also tend to intuit the energy of the campus space, I absorb the tension in faculty or its release.  I feed on the work habits of those around me.

Pealing through this energy of my profession and folding in on my own forces is tricky.  In other words, rather than reacting to the energy around me, what is my energy bringing to this? That is my season at play, not some other system pushing on me.  Unpealing this is key.

Summer is a good time to start.  For me, it is of professional sleep, work is slow and I've come to terms that I may consider myself on-call, passive, not active or proactive, just reactive in my profession.  Summer is a time for reflection, learning and planning.  This summer,  I've painted more, since there is more time for it.  I work from home more.  I support my family more proactively.   There is more time for reflection and even criticism of my life.  I've been weighted down by thoughts of quitting my job, of finding something new.  I'm very aware of a new restlessness rooted in my mid-life transition unexpressed.    Some of these themes will follow me across the years but I'm searching for a universal truth that touches me. 

I caught myself thinking recently that I really love that the avocados are back in season.  They are never in season in Seattle, but they make their way to Seattle in a delicious state beginning sometime in the Summer and maybe Spring.  In the Fall they turn tasteless, mushy messes and I refuse to eat them anymore as they barely mimic their potential.  Summer time, they are creamy, full, delights, smooth and delicious.  Wonderful with the warm, just picked tomatoes from the garden and a little basil and a pinch of salt.  No dressing needed.

Avocados have multiple meanings for me.  My fondest memories of living in Managua, Nicaragua are with my lovely friend Jenny Maudsley.  We often sat on the shared patio between our two studios in the shade of a mango tree away from the summer heat, drinking Flor de Cana mixed with Squirt. We talked about everything as we shook off the 60 hour work week with that drink and the burgeoning fondness of our friendship.

One day, as we sat under the stars the topic turned to avocados.  We adore them.  And central America is full of them, so plentiful they reach down from urban trees tempting you to pick and eat them on the spot.  Oh, the creamy fullness of dipping into a fresh avocado peeled with your fingers like a banana and eaten like an apple.  An adventurous delight.

Just like a good snog, as Jenny my English friend, would quip  - orgasmic.  And just like any good friendship, we developed a lexicon around a good avocado and a good hook up with that just perfect boy; the peace corp worker, the backpacker from new Zealand, the Europeans traveler.  Any boy that made our knees weak at the site and a belly lurch at the first kiss.  We were as picky about these boys as we were about avocados.  They had to be the perfect combination of sensation, texture, touch and zesty humor.  These were our avocados.  We did not compromise on them, they had to be luscious or not partaken.   The search for a perfect avocado was part delightful anticipation and part quest. 

My time in  Central America was a time of rawness.  Sweet, full, exposed, truthful, sometimes ugly and sometimes bountiful.  I struggled with grief, struggled with my identity and future.  I wandered across that country enjoying its energy and authenticity.  A bit aimless, but in my aimlessness I settled in myself for a time.    And avocados filled that  time as a symbol of the pleasure, fullness and surprise that magical part of the world gave me, all sensual, spiritual, and nourishing. 

So this season is avocado season, it is obvious now.  It is a time to be raw, to go inward, to find new expression and to seek raw sensation.  To muddle in career work and work on life meaning and to explore those energies that I don't get to in a dull winters and the throws of academic stress. .  And to enjoy a good full wonderful avocado until the season ends.  And I don't know yet when it ends yet.  That will be the joy of exploring my next season. 

And to my new friend, I thank that she shared her seasons with me.  I love this idea and find thoughtful reflection in what this may mean to me.  I love nectarines as well, though not as much as she does.  But during her season almost every morning I make my scrambled eggs with delicious nectarines and think about her and the gift of my own seasons.  Here is her recipe and during avocado season, I will stir up some of my own avocados: 

Scrambled Eggs with Nectarines

Ingredients.
2 tablespoon chopped onion
1 teaspoon ghee
1 clove of garlic
1 nectarine
1/2 chorizo sausage
2 eggs
1 garden fresh tomato chopped
2 tblsp fresh basil

To do:
Sautee the onion, garlic, nectarine and chorizo in the ghee for two minutes over medium heat.
Crack 2 eggs in pan and scramble mixing all ingredients until eggs are cooked to your preference.
Turn off heat and stir in basil and tomato.

Eat with a summer melon on the side like watermelon or cantaloupe.  Top with an avocado. 

Addictive love.  Enjoy.       

Culture and Values

I've been thinking a lot about culture.  It underlies everything.  Culture is a reflection of unwritten values and perspectives.  Sometimes we profess a certain set of values but we act on others.   It often creates organizational confusion. We lack integrity.  We are not walking the talk.  Organizationally, we lose our motivation to perform.  The system can not be trusted. 

What is going on here?  Why are humans so complex and contradictory?  And really, why do humans create cultures that do us harm?   That can truly break our heart?  It doesn't make sense. 

One of the takeaways from a cultural competence workshop I did last week is helping me work through this. On one side I placed a brainstorm of my values.  These are the principles that are important to me and that I can get excited about.  On the other side are my needs or how I want people to view me. 

We hope that there is always alignment between the two.  That is where the delicate balance of acting with integrity lays. 

My Values	My Needs (How I want people to view me)
Justice	Be Right
Love	Liked or likable
Independence / Self-Reliance	Useful
Self-Reflection	Thoughtful  and resourceful
Continuous learning and personal growth	Effective and reliable
Mutual Respect	Be respected and appreciated
Collaboration	Collaborative
Service to others	Helpful
Competence	Able to get things done – competent and effective
Integrity	Has integrity, is principled and ethical
Honesty / Truth	Trustworthy and direct

But sometimes we struggle with integrity in this model.  For example, if I don't feel appreciated by someone it is difficult for me to act in service to that person.  Or if I don't feel like I'm right it makes it difficult for me to feel competent. 

What happens to me personally when there is not alignment?
1. I get angry.  Anger is my personal trigger.  It alerts me to something being wrong.  Others may feel fear, guilt, sadness or shame.
2. Then confused and frustrated.
3. I feel misunderstood and unappreciated.  This makes me sad. 
4. I self-reflect and try to make meaning and learn from the situation.
5. I act if necessary. 

And then it happens again. 

At an organizational level the outcome is much more complex, usually results in exclusion and disillusionment of key constituents and eventually leads to dysfunction if left unchecked.  It will only correct itself if there is an institutional and cultural commitment to continuously learning through feedback and reflection. 

Self- assessment is key. 

Leadership needs to ask itself if it is really is aligning its actions to its mission and values. If it isn't it needs to rethink itself, its professed values, its actions and how it wants to be perceived both internally and externally.  Without wholeheartedly taking this step everyday, we will continue to create cultures that harm our own intentions and relationships.