Where the dead live

Why do we bury our dead? We insist on placing them in space. We fix them permanently when they are so obviously transient. 
 
I wondered this as I peered at rows and rows of perfectly straight bleached headstones; bone clean, pristine bystanders overlooking the San Diego cliffs.  The sun rinsed them as the sea spray sanded them clean. Perpetually baptized this way, these mini-lithic effigies peer down at the harbor and downtown's metallic spray of skyscrapers. From Point Loma, the gravestones frame downtown San Diego like patient mystics bobbing their knowing heads. This too shall pass. Dust to dust.  A reminder that everything ends.   
 
As we drove up the Point towards my father's grave my three-year-old told stories. There are monsters here. The skeletons will get us. The only protection from his imagination was the blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the vibrant green crab grass, and the friendly rolling hills.
 
I told my kids we were going to see my father and their grandfather. Someone who loved them both very much. But he insists this is a scary place.
 
A cemetery is a time machine.  A place where we can walk across death and reach out to the ones we loved and still love. They are places of love. They cradle our faith in life. Hug our memories tightly. They make lost time real and emotion tangible. We honor ourselves, our ancestors, our mortality when we visit them. They ground us.
 
I tell my children that their grandfather is everywhere, in our hearts, in our blood, in our trees and in the air. He is everywhere like all of us will be when we die.  We are all connected. 
 
Yet as we drove to his grave, I knew I was going to him. It is his place. This cemetery is my father's home. It is where he is.
 
I was taut as we drove through his lot’s gates.  I did not know where he was exactly.  I knew we were close.  I was feeling my way back to him, remembering coordinates from a pilgrimage made thirteen year ago.
 
When we parked, I pulled Dana along with me to the end of the last row of headstones. My father's ashes are in a wall, a plaque with his name, birth and death year. The wall reaches from one end of the cemetery to the other. The plaques extend up ten high and deeper than I can remember.  I wondered how I could remember where he was in the undeviating grid. But the instant I had the thought, I spotted him.  In complete focus. All other plaques blurred and dispersed.
 
He is squatting height on the wall and in an indiscernible spot.  His location is my beacon.  His plaque’s power is unique to me.
 
I placed my hand on him and pull my daughter closer to me. Years of tears were jerked from me. This was the first time they met.  Dana my father meets Dana my daughter. 
 
When Daire arrives, I pull both kids tight to me and present my family.  I want him to be proud. 
 
After my family retreats to the car, a disarray of light, color, images, sound, animation, smells cascade around me.  My father's face, his words, his support, images of dying, my childhood, his hug, his smell, his laughter .  Emotions that only rise in my father’s presence, feeling that are only feelings for my father. They bath me. I’m cleansed. I remember him and in doing so remember who I am.
 
The plaque was stone and cold under my hands. I kiss his name and feel his closeness. I inventory 15 years. "Am I doing the right thing?”  I ask him. “Am I doing ok?"  I think so but I don't really know.
 
But I have peace. I have peace with death. As I live my life fully, I have peace as I follow his footsteps.
 
And I’m grateful for the power of his place.

 

Fruit Skewers

I've got to play with this recipe as it was a big hit that I think could even be better.  The fruit is amazing off the grill and the coconut adds crunch and sweetness.  Lovely. 

What you need.
Fruit for skewers sliced into chunks and in a bowl ready to marinade. 

These two were amazing:

• pineapples
• nectarines

I think these would be good to:

• mango
• banana
• apricots
• plums
• peaches

marinade:
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/4 cup mix of fresh coconut, macadamia nuts and raw cashews chopped coarsely.
Sea salt

To do:

1. Heat up the coconut oil and melt over medium flame.
2. Add the nuts and gently brown them for flavor.
3. Marinade the fruit in the oil for at least 30 minutes
4. Create colorful skewers with the fruit
5. Sprinkle with sea salt
6. Grill to a sear but don't overcook.

Watch out, they explode in your mouth.  Wow.

Mouth Watering Shrimp & Chicken Skewers

I just returned from a weekend at a friend's cabin.  We had a lovely dinner on the lake by the fire pit and savored some skewers grilled on the open fire.  The marinade was an experiment that turned divine.  It really made the chicken and shrimp sparkle. The nectarines and pineapple are like fireworks from the grill. 

What you need:
1/2 pound of chicken cut into large cubes
1/2 pound shrimp (uncooked)
1/2 cup white balsamic vinegar
2/3 cup avocado oil
2 tablespoons herbs de Provence
a pineapple - sliced into chunks
a couple bell peppers - sliced into chunks
3-4 nectarines - sliced into chunks
1/2 onion - sliced into chunks.
1/2 pint of Cherry tomatoes
Other spearable fruits and vegetables. 

To do..
1.  Marinate the chicken and shrimp in the vinegar, oil and herbs for at least a half hour.
2.  Create skewers with colorful stacks of fruits, vegetables, shirmp and chicken.
3. Grill over the flames until shrimp are pink and chicken is cooked through. 

Best to be eaten in the outdoors, preferably with a view of the lake or beach.  :)

Eggplant & Pesto Inspired Pan Seared Sole

I think we were getting a little bored with the avocado and egg salad thing.  And I got a little lazy this week when things got rough at work.  I've still been recovering and catching up on sleep.  But tonight I made an Italian Eggplant Parmesan inspired sole.  It was meaty, rich and delicious.  A nice change from the fruity and sweet lately. 

What you need...
1 Eggplant sliced, salted, pressed for at least thirty minutes
4 tablespoon olive oil
1 onion diced
1 head of garlic smashed and chopped
2 cups sun dried tomatoes soaked in water for thirty minutes then chopped coarsely
2 cups shitake mushrooms stems removed and chopped in strips
1 tablespoon dried oregano (herbs de Provence would be really good but I didn't have them)

Fresh Caught Sole
1 tablespoon ghee

2 cups basil leaves
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup pistachios

a handful of olives for garnish

How to...
1.  While eggplant is being pressed, saute onions and garlic for a couple of minutes in a tablespoon of olive oil
2.  Add the mushrooms and saute for four minutes
3.  Add the sun dried tomatoes and saute until the mushrooms turn golden then add the herbs and salt and pepper to taste
4.  Add a couple of tablespoons to a pan and fry the eggplant until golden on both sides, add more olive oil if needed. 
5. Pan sear the sole in ghee on both sides over medium heat.  It will cook fast in 5-10 minutes.
6. In a food processor add the basil leaves, 1/4 cup olive oil and pistachios and process until a pesto. 
7.  To assemble line the plate with eggplant, top with sun dried tomatoes, place sole on top and garnish with pesto and olives. 

Yummy!

Ambiguity

More kernels of wisdom from Reframing Organizations.  This one is a short list of  the sources of ambiguity on page 25.

• We are not sure what the problem is.
• We are not sure what is really happening.
• We are not sure what we want.
• We do not have the resources we need.
• We are not sure who is supposed to do what.
• We are not sure how to get what we want.
• We are not sure how to determine if we have succeeded.

Could change be as simple as identifying a source of ambiguity and making it clear, safe and understandable?  Creating a a safe environment is a constant theme in my work.  My colleagues ask for a safe space all the time.  We live in a culture of fear and ambiguity.  Fear can stunt progress and stifle relationships. 

A certain amount of safety creates a space where people can innovate and grow.  It seeds relationships and opens up communication.  It allows information to flow smoothly and for ideas to cross pollinate.  Simultaneously, being too safe can make people lazy and compliant.  My hypothesis is that a ripe tension between safety and healthy fear can create productive innovation and a lively, vibrant community. 

From an organizational standpoint, I see all of the above sources of ambiguity flowing around and stunting growth.  Would defining just one of these pave the way for change? 

Using Frames to Understand Conflict

Have you ever felt crazy at work?  Like your perception of reality is not at all like those around you?  And when you ask for feedback or clarification, you get an unreasonable response which furthers the feeling of being crazy? 

I have recently experienced this.  Honestly, my saving grace is email and documentation of events.  No one disagrees with the documentation, but no one involved validates the conflict or even confronts the ethical questions that arise from them.  The documentation grounds me.  The responses shake me up. 

The events at work have caused me to reflect deeply.  During the course of a few weeks in my new position, I had a flash of insight when I realized that my view of leadership is incongruous with others in higher or equal positions.  I began to see a philosophical divide but couldn't pinpoint it exactly. This triggered a memory of a book that I read during my Masters program at Seattle University.  Reframing Organizations, Artistry, Choice and Leadership by Lee G Bolman and Terrence E Deal.

 I'm rereading this book again and it has helped me better understand the events. This book divides the view of an organization into four frames or lenses in which to view its functions.  Each frame has a much different language and understanding of dynamics and events. 

	Structural	Human Resources	Political	Symbolic
Metaphor for Organization	Factory or Machine	Family	Jungle	Carnival, temple, theater
Central Concepts	Rules, roles, goals, policies, technology, environment	Needs, skills, relationships	Power, conflict, competition, organizational politics	Culture, meaning, metaphor, ritual, ceremony, stories, heroes
Image of Leadership	Social architecture	Empowerment	Advocacy	Inspiration
Basic leadership challenge	Attune structure to task, technology, environment	Align organizational and human needs	Develop agenda and power base	Create faith, beauty, meaning

The upper leadership at my organization is very structurally and politically oriented.

I have a human resources and symbolic preference.  I have framed my new job within this context and it has been received with a welcome and relief.  I realize now the reason my peers need this view so desperately is because it does not exist at the upper level.   This has caused a deep organizational thirst for something more.   

During the course of the events since starting this position, I unknowingly entered the political frame when I requested money for a powerfully symbolic project.  This caused deep chaos and ambiguity for a few reasons:

1. I was speaking a symbolic language upper leadership didn't understand.  But I was confident and sure of the power of this symbol.  This was confusing to them. 
2. I was asking for resources in a political framework in which money is always held tightly and fought over by tribes.  Money is the currency of power in the political framework.  You do not ask for money without expecting a conflict. 

As a result, communication broke down. I was asked to follow up in an unreasonable and time-consuming way.  Instead of complying, I responded that I could not effectively do my job under those circumstances and I walked away.  They could keep the money if they wanted to. 

The choice to walk away was personal, not political.  Their request was unreasonable and I wanted to focus on my core duties.  But the choice cracked open the framework.  Suddenly, upper leadership's framework shifted to a Human Resources frame.  They need me to be successful for their own political currency.  Keeping money is only useful in politics to a degree.   

We reached an tentative agreement.

Without understanding the frameworks, the events would still confuse me.  Now I see that the conflict arose essentially from a leadership guided by different frameworks than mine.  I also see that my role in trying to seed change is in communicating and helping people discover the power of the Human Resources and Symbolic frames in an organization that misunderstands them.

Culture and Values

I've been thinking a lot about culture.  It underlies everything.  Culture is a reflection of unwritten values and perspectives.  Sometimes we profess a certain set of values but we act on others.   It often creates organizational confusion. We lack integrity.  We are not walking the talk.  Organizationally, we lose our motivation to perform.  The system can not be trusted. 

What is going on here?  Why are humans so complex and contradictory?  And really, why do humans create cultures that do us harm?   That can truly break our heart?  It doesn't make sense. 

One of the takeaways from a cultural competence workshop I did last week is helping me work through this. On one side I placed a brainstorm of my values.  These are the principles that are important to me and that I can get excited about.  On the other side are my needs or how I want people to view me. 

We hope that there is always alignment between the two.  That is where the delicate balance of acting with integrity lays. 

My Values	My Needs (How I want people to view me)
Justice	Be Right
Love	Liked or likable
Independence / Self-Reliance	Useful
Self-Reflection	Thoughtful  and resourceful
Continuous learning and personal growth	Effective and reliable
Mutual Respect	Be respected and appreciated
Collaboration	Collaborative
Service to others	Helpful
Competence	Able to get things done – competent and effective
Integrity	Has integrity, is principled and ethical
Honesty / Truth	Trustworthy and direct

But sometimes we struggle with integrity in this model.  For example, if I don't feel appreciated by someone it is difficult for me to act in service to that person.  Or if I don't feel like I'm right it makes it difficult for me to feel competent. 

What happens to me personally when there is not alignment?
1. I get angry.  Anger is my personal trigger.  It alerts me to something being wrong.  Others may feel fear, guilt, sadness or shame.
2. Then confused and frustrated.
3. I feel misunderstood and unappreciated.  This makes me sad. 
4. I self-reflect and try to make meaning and learn from the situation.
5. I act if necessary. 

And then it happens again. 

At an organizational level the outcome is much more complex, usually results in exclusion and disillusionment of key constituents and eventually leads to dysfunction if left unchecked.  It will only correct itself if there is an institutional and cultural commitment to continuously learning through feedback and reflection. 

Self- assessment is key. 

Leadership needs to ask itself if it is really is aligning its actions to its mission and values. If it isn't it needs to rethink itself, its professed values, its actions and how it wants to be perceived both internally and externally.  Without wholeheartedly taking this step everyday, we will continue to create cultures that harm our own intentions and relationships.