Firsts and Fear

This weekend marked a significant and exhilarating first for Dana. It was momentous because it marked a step towards tangible independence; her first sleepover at her friend Emmy’s house. The whole day leading up to the moment her excitement lit her up.  She was wound so tight she bubbled, sparkled and popped. She packed diligently; matching PJs, a change of clothes, toothbrush, sleeping bag, hair brush, a soft stuffed doggie named Blue and at the last minute, a carton of soy milk. She would have packed the whole house if I had allowed it. Instead, I explained the importance of necessity and reminded her of the abundance of new and different delights at Emmy’s house. Thirty minutes before we left, she stood at the front door counting down the minutes to the easy walk a half block up the street.

As I walked down the stairs to accompany her to Emmy’s house, I saw taut fear stretch across her face. It was the first clue since announcing the intended sleepover of anything amiss. I asked her if she was ok and her response completely delighted me.

“Yes. I’m ok. I’m scared. But I’m only scared because I’m about to do something I’ve never done before. I’m scared of the dark and I’m scared of monsters.” She put her hand to the side of her mouth and said in whisper. “Even though I know there is no such thing as monsters.” Then her hand dropped and she said. “Mostly I’m so excited. But I’m scared.” She bounded up the stairs to hug her brother and dad goodbye.  I giggled, completely enchanted by her. 

May she never forget these words.

And may I never forget that energy, the driving life force that makes us grow, stretch and yearn for more.  It is the tension between fear and wanting.  The point when fear is outweighed by a yearning so profound we suddenly blossom. 

Dana matured last night.  She successfully tested her independence. This morning, when she returned from the magical night a confident radiance hovered around her.  She had explored herself, her limits and had uprooted new self-discoveries.  She tested her fear and had thrived.