Limits of the Mind

Recently, I've been reinventing my life using the dreams and aspirations that I carried when I was younger. They are the kinds of goals that can haunt one if they are left to slumber. I want to be a writer, an artist, more committed to my health and well-being. I want these things, they did not die when I turned 25 years old. This fact has startled me recently. I feel like I have woken up to a truth that I let fall asleep inside me. The truth is that I created these aspirations, they live with me and will continue to until I achieve them or die.

In the past, I had many good habits that pointed me towards my goals; I used to journal, write a lot, draw, go to the gym regularly. Of course, I have many good excuses for not being able to do those things now. Kids, of course, is the first thing that comes to mind. A passion-driven career that has consumed me. Somehow finding time became hard between all the commitments; friends, husband, kids, house, travel, work, recreation. The list of excuses could be endless.

Excuses are roadblocks. They are part of a self-created model of the world. If you tell yourself you simply can't, you won't. This is nonsense. If one wants something badly enough, one can achieve it. I have achieved every goal that I purposely pointed my way towards. My career, my kids, my family. Those were my priorities and they have been very fullfilling. But now I'm exploring rearranging them a little, maybe adding a few more. I feel like I can make the time. I have the capacity.

But it is tough work. I have spent 12-15 years consciously or subconsciously telling myself what I can and can't have. It is my mind that makes it difficult.

Fitness is an easy example. For the last 10 years I've told myself that I have a limit to my fitness level and that I can't get past it. Now, I'm pushing that limit and exceeding those expectations and my mind is playing tricks on me. Here is some of the self-talk:

"You are going to injure yourself and then be miserable when you can't walk."
"This is not a healthy weight for you. Are you anorexic?"
"It is a little late to get in shape, you're 37."
"Who are you trying to impress anyway?"

Luckily, I'm pretty stuck to my goal. I notice the self-talk loud and clear, and I let it slide around my mind, bounce off the edges and then fall away. What is important is to achieve my fitness goal everyday I tell myself. I'm doggedly determined. But this self-talk is deadly. My mind is trying to wear me down, to accept the path that I have dredged for myself, it wants me to seek the easy road.

Writing is more difficult. It is a painful experiment in goal seeking and life enrichment. Writing is intimate. Writing is an exploration of thought. It is an exploration of life. It unpeels and exposes the ugly and beautiful. It forces me to look at my life and my past in ways I've never done before. My goal is lofty too. I'm seeking to make it a public endeavour. I'm working on finishing my first book in 12 years with the goal of seeking publication. And wow, it is consuming me. My mind is full of murder.

"This book is too emotional for you to handle."
"You can't enjoy your kids if you are writing, because you are always thinking about this book."
"The book is too sad, no one will like it."
"This book will ruin your marriage."
"This book is making you have a mid-life crisis."
"It is making you manic depressive."

As if writing a book is a like setting a bomb that destroys everything in its path.

But I won't accept it. I have been writing consistently for almost three months now and I love it. Yes, it makes me crazy. When my characters falter, my heart breaks for them. When they are jubilent, I turn up the Gotan Project and dance around the living room my heart soaring. There are times when a great feeling of profoundness wraps itself around me and I realize the weight of the moments I'm describing. It fills me with every emotion. I'm full.

The truth is that writing is a calling, a passion, a way for me to explore the world and appreciate its vastness. The only thing that can take this away from me is my own mind. I won't let that happen again.